i want to talk to God.

March 18, 2010

i want to talk to God and ask questions,

i just want to know the reasons for the past and what had happened,

the reasons You put me in certain places and allowed me to meet certain people,

the reasons why You didnt avoid me from them in the first place,

when You knew Youd take them away anyway,

the reason why you built me up and allowed me to pray just so you can tare me apart,

…..and no, i dont wanna know about the future,

i just want to know why You planned me like this,

was it really meant to be like this,

or did i screw something up along the way,

sure i did many things wrong,

that i dont deny,

well, first of all if like to apologise,

for not being a very good servant, for being a sick excuse for mankind,

i do have my flaws,

but…i do believe i had my “right” days,

where i realised You, whilst my friends were drowned in this dunya You created,

i wasnt always like this, You know that,

i couldve been better,

there was once a time i treaded this earth of Yours with care,

that i was aware of what i should n shouldnt do,

i asked for guidance and to make things easy for me,

because behind all flesh, my heart wasnt that very strong,

You know i tried,

there was just some things that i couldnt take,

i prayed that you dont test me with certain things that you gave,

or maybe it were the things that i thought you gave me…


i just want a private session,

where i can sit in front of you and cry,

im asking for a counselling session like they do in psych wards,

with You,  i’d know that the answers were real,

id like a session just with You, just like the sessions i had with dad,

were he would listen to me,

its just that with dad, i can be certain his answers were to help,

and he’d explain it over and over again until i understand,

and when i cried, he’d put a shoulder around and held me,

God, i dont want another test, i just want an honest answer,

for once i want to be certain i’m doing the right thing,

God, please dont leave crumbling and doubting,

please pick me again and use me for your reasons.

and most importantly,

plese dont leave me.

one of your millions of servants whose certain that hes wrong and You’re always right,



1.16am to 1.52am. kiewa.

March 10, 2010

i’ll just put a short entry tonight.

this is starting to become my personal blog.who the hell cares anyway.

getting to todays entry. just finished ym-ing with an ex-classmate.a guy.so no fitnahs around.

n yeah..btw, just learnt a new definition of fitnah in todays arabic tute. well, a definition i just knew of la.

fitnah is defined to be a “pergeseran” between 2 or more muslims. there isnt an exact equivalent english word for fitnah, so its pretty hard to be described. well..we go back in history to the late period of Uthman ibn ‘Affans ruling. that was kind of the first big fitnah that occured.

then again, that cant be true. because we have the story of sayidatina ‘Aisyah. when she was fitnah-ed along with a companion of the Prophet (pbuh). thats a different story we can dwell on.

going back to Sayidina Uthmans story. the muslim empire was getting very2 big. some people didnt like him. spread silly news around. 2000 fighters surrounded madinah. take note. some people say that this was the FIRST time the Arabic word for “Rebels” was used. To make the strory short, the Caliph was killed by fellow muslims. the Khaleefah was KILLED by fellow muslims. how mind bogglingly weird is that??? biggest fitnah ever made i think. this incident alone led to the many+long chains of incidents after that. where the aftermath we still feel to this very day.

heres just ONE perspective on looking at the word “fitnah”. i maybe wrong. as all the other decisions ive made in life. but heck, thats another story.

going BACK to the objective of this entry. 2 points.

1) honesty is something that everyone wants.but doesn’t really give.or then again. its something we think we want.but afraid to accept. Some people prefer to be lied to. than accept the painful truth.

2) There are 2 types of emotions.

i) Emotions we can pretend to have, but not really have. like being happy, respect and love.

ii) Emotions that we can never pretend to have . like being sad, missing somebody and anger.

with this, i dare you to say i’m wrong.


after asar and before maghrib.

February 8, 2010

i’m sitting near in the living room, with my laptop on the coffee table. dad just came in from work. switched on the lights, took his socks off, went to the kitchen and looked if there was any rice left in the rice cooker. “great~something to eat.”

mom had just finished teaching shida “mengaji”. shifa’ is still outside talking away with nurul. izzah is somewhere outside on her bike wandering around with alin. zulaikha, ilham, boboy, aqif had gone home. adilah didn’t come today. guess somebody else had time to take care of her.

i kinda like these kids. going to school, meeting friends, gossiping, mucking around without a care in the world. life wasn’t complicated during school. we thought about the future, yes, but not that much. in school, everyday is a day worth looking forward to. a new lesson to learn, a new friend to know, a new experience to gain.

nabila and alia have breakfast here everyday. and wait a minute, here comes nuqman nak mengaji. he his sister will be coming in late. i dont remember her name though. theres so many people megaji-ing here. op, and heres nuqman sister.syahirah.i asked her.shes gonna mengaji with me.surah at-taghaabun.from begining till the end.2 pages.

shasha just came in too. mom took her. so im free to type some more worthless words.

its great being a kid again. i still remember my friends. theres azwan who lives in front, izuddin kat bawah depan kedai burger pakcik rudi.diyana kat sebelah umah din.then theres shariffuddin just kat bwah bukit.nazim sebelah surau. fatin belakang rumah nazim, shafiza, if u walk further up.farihah kat depan umah ijah.theres akmal anak orang kuat masjid ukm. hidayah selang beberapa rumah azwan. hafiz kalau turun bawah lagi dari umah nazim. adik kat bawah lagi..heheh..he’s hazwanis’  cousin. hazwani kat kampung bahagia. sane ade izzat, zawani, awam, nazirul, syuk.

at kampung bangi, theres izwan, rahimi. and hafzal kat area2 umah cine tuh. heheh. hanif, budak kelantan yg genius maths dok sebelah masjid.hanim belakang umah hanif, depan sungai.

ramai lagi kot, if i think harder~ape ntah jadik ngan diorang. tau azwan ngan nazim je..azwan kat uniten..nazim kat depan umah nih..tapi x penah tegor dah…we’ve parted too far.

this is kinda like a curse. i just remember people. their faces, the memories together.what they’ve done to me. both good and bad. and sometimes i ask, why did God create memory. why cant we just pick the things that we want to remember. it’ll then be easier to move on. i mean, just remember the good things, leave out the ones that we hate to think about. its really hard forgetting. not that i want to forget them. but then again, guess some people have to be forgotten. shit, why does every story has to end with this one.


i wanted it down, made me feel free~

October 7, 2009

A girl will know you’re staring at her, just like you know when a girl just glanced at the area beneath your waist – giving you the curiosity to check whether your fly is undone or the girl was just “sick”. In my case, the girl was absolutely fine and it was my fault she had to look “down”.

It was 11.53 pm and I just came out of the toilet. Sorry honey, but I just wasn’t concentrating enough.

Sat back in front of the computer and tried to go back to the lecture notes. Nope. No hope there. May I’ll take a break and, maybe, contribute something to this blog.

A brief description of the current incident would be great for intro, I thought.

Anyways, going back to a more meaningful topic, a friend told me to write something useful. I’m not very good at deep+meaningfull writing, but I’ll try.

Here’s something I got when I was 14 years old. Early days of da’wah I should say. Just following people and mucking around. <lebih mucking around sbnanye>. Where’d I start? Easy. Following your everyday tablighi brothers.

Among the many things that I learnt is this..ADIDAS…

“Ada Da’wah Iman Dunia Akan Selamat”

It was simple, precise, and absolutely true. It was kinda funny too. But lets not go into that. I liked it and took it to heart.

Kenapa kita ada disini lagi?

Jawapannya….sebab ada orang yang masih perjuangkan agama Allah.

Kenapa matahari masih bersinar dan hujan masih turun?

Sebab ada orang yang masih perjuangkan agama Allah.

Kenapa akan rezeki masih datang, siang malam silih berganti dan semuanya masih berfungsi mengikut hukum alam?

Kerana adanya orang yang gigih, bertungkus lumus, siang dan malam, risau, berdoa dan berkerja untuk agama Allah. Kerana adanya orang risau tentang masa hadapan manusia, kerana ada yang takut kan azab dan sangat2 inginkan syurga, kerana ada yang masih berda’wah untuk Iman.

Ada da’wah iman, dunia akan selamat. Kan mudah tu..

Cube la kita tanye diri..tengah2 gelak ketawa..tengah2 lepak mamak, hisap rokok dan sabar menunggu 2 keping roti canai dan teh O ais limau…tengah naik motor malam2 baru balik keje..tengah dalam kereta nak pickup sahabat handai untuk futsal…

Kalau xde seorang pon atas muka bumi ini yang ingat kepada Allah Ta’ala,

dan kalau tiada lagi laungan azan,

tiada lagi tasbih, tahmid dan takbir,

tiada lagi Islam,

dan tiada lagi orang berusaha dan willingly nakkan Da’wah Iman,

xdenya pemuda2 yg risau memikirkan macam mane laa nak sedarkan budak2 ni tentang hakikat kehidupan…

apa faedahnya lagi Dunia ini?


Ukhwah fillah

October 5, 2009




7 pagi 28 september 09 barkly

September 27, 2009

“selamat pagi” kata hati kecil saya, sambil menekan-nekan keyboard macbook zul. “harap dunia hari ini tidak senyap” bisik saya lagi.